I spent years learning how to become a power marketing guru with ovaries.
And now I want to share my magical insights with you. Not because I can’t keep a secret but because I care.
I give a lot of talks. And afterward people always come up to me and say, “Millicent, your ideas on how to successfully market everything have changed my life.”
I tell them, “Thanks.”
Then, after an awkward pause, they usually ask me, “How did you do learn all this wonderful information that you soon plan to publish and generously share with us for only $29.95?”
That’s when I say, “I’m glad you asked… How did I do it? How did I learn how to successfully market everything? And why do I want to teach you the secrets to learning what I’ve learned? Why do I want you to be filthy rich and powerful like an overlord?”
And they say something like, “Just answer the question, okay?”
Then I get a little prickly and tell them, “Keep your pants on, I’m getting there!”
Next, I tell them the inspiring story about a sweet old lady that I know.
(Spoiler alert: It’s me!)
My Story (Part 1)
I used to live in a state of continuous ignorance. I know now that back then I didn’t know what I didn’t know – which was a heck of a lot.
I sometimes found the world around me to be baffling and often felt like everyone else had a vast wealth of valuable knowledge that they were using to make their lives richer and my own more miserable.
The only thing I knew for certain was that my utter lack of worldly knowledge left me powerless and at the mercy of others: From the sarcastic salesgirl at Woolco telling me that the bargain basement was too chic for me, to my husband’s ridiculous claims that his urinating in the kitchen sink was good for the enamel.
One night I was having dinner with my husband, Cleveland, when I politely asked him if he would please wear a shirt to the dinner table and maybe occasionally try using a knife and fork.
Well, he informed me that in Paris dining without a shirt and eating mashed potatoes with hands stained in car oil was considered the height of sophistication.
I told him that I didn’t appreciate him talking to me like I was an idiot. He responded by calling me a “gormless trout” and ordering me to get him a beer and close my flapping gums.
That’s when I stabbed him in the nose with my shrimp fork.
Well, he started screaming and demanding that I drive him to the hospital. While I didn’t much care for his tone, I was starting to feel pretty guilty for jabbing him in the schnoz.
I could tell by the fountain of blood streaming from his nasal wound that he would need a stitch or two to close up the gash – although to listen to him, you’d have thought I’d severed an artery. That came later. But I digress.
It was while driving Cleveland to the hospital that I had my life changing experience.
Now I don’t want to call it an epiphany, let’s say it was more of a piercing of the veil that provided the first real infusion of clarity into my life. My voyage was beginning!
Suddenly a police car with flashing lights was indicating for me to pull over.
When the police officer came to the car and looked in, he seemed mostly bored. Then (and I’ll never forget this) he asked me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I honestly didn’t know what to say.
Did he pull me over because…
- It’s illegal to stab your shirtless husband in the snoot with a shrimp fork?
- The police officer was trying unconventional methods to meet new friends?
- I was doing 70 in a 40 zone?
- I’d tried to cauterize a nose wound with a doily when I should have used a fire-heated piece of metal?
It could have been any one of these things, or it could have been all of those things, or, it could have been some other things I didn’t think of.
All I knew was that once again, I wasn’t sure what the right answer was.
But I realized something important. If I was ever going to gain control of my life, the time had come for me to know life’s answers. And you know what that meant? That’s right. I had to learn to market Milly. And in so doing, I learned how to successfully market everything!
Marketing: An Alternative To Buying Cats And Knitting Sweaters
Since that fateful night, I’ve divorced my no-good cretin of a husband and dedicated my life to learning how to be the world’s craftiest marketer.
I had to work two jobs to support myself (I took food orders at the local Rennet Juicy Beef Shack and cleaned the bathrooms at the local Strippy McNudes – I’d like to say it was character building work, but it was mostly just disgusting).
I spent years researching, studying, and creating my marketing theories.
It wasn’t always easy, there were times when I thought of giving up, buying hundreds of cats and knitting away the rest of my life, but I persevered and created a simple 183,246 step plan that I want to teach you so you too can successfully market the bejeepers out of everything.
Today’s Special Marketing Tip – A Go Get ‘Em List
I harp on about writing lists. I harp on it more than a harp-playing harpy at a harp convention.
But it’s only because I care. Some people don’t write lists. Instead they act crassly and have the grace of a circus carnie on a 5-day bender. See what not writing lists leads to?
People who write lists are healthier, more optimistic, have good posture, don’t fret over their gallbladders, are wonderful badminton players and more likely to make progress toward achieving personal goals. Sure, I have no concrete evidence to back this up but that doesn’t mean it isn’t so.
So get with it and write your “Go Get ‘Em” list now! Take a gander at the first one I ever wrote. it changed my life. (My list is just down below; just look down and you’ll see it. Stop reading these words and look down.)