Dear Mr. Hawn,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt apology. It meant a lot to hear that you had decided it was time for everyone to move on.
Like I was just saying to all my tech pals down at the Local Jihadi Propaganda Hall (Branch ٣ ٤ ٢), “Nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like telling people what to do. Now all of you shut up and drink beer! Oh, and ‘Death to America!’”
Actually, when I look back at my toast, I could have chosen my words more carefully – not every outspoken Canadian drinks beer.
But seriously, thanks for sorting us out.
And you know, maybe I have been all clingy over my silly little rights. Maybe my silly little rights want to see other people. In which case, you’re right; it is time to move on.
Speaking of moving on, I’m glad you’ll try too. It tells me you’re trying. Very, very trying…
Just joking. I can’t stay mad at you!
Sure, you questioned the values of 140 Canadians in tech including myself who forgot their place (what was I thinking?) and dared to question Bill C-51 in this open letter published in the National Post.
But your recent Facebook apology has really turned it around. I bet it gets lots of “likes!” It certainly made me see that freedom from tyranny can only be bought with freedom overseen by tyranny.
Can you imagine my clients’ horror when they realized my business model actually allowed me to practice my democratic right to speak out?
I know. The shame. It totally burns, dude.
Can We Talk?
So, Laurie… May I call you Laurie? I feel like we’ve bonded since you’ve also made my mother cry.
Thanks for totally calling out those of us in the knowledge economy for our lack of commitment to the values that bind us as Canadians. Silly me, I always thought my lack of commitment had more to do with willpower and chocolate cake…
Anyway, I get it now, your larger mission, your shining path, your Isis Shazam Power Hour.
At first I couldn’t see it. And I definitely couldn’t hear it over Vic Toews and the Pornographers (his new band!).
But then it hit me. It hit me hard like science used to hit you right in the caucus before you and your pals all made it go away.
This isn’t about the letter. This isn’t even about the tech sector or your tenuous grasp of the knowledge economy.
Nope. This is your moment to redefine, blow up and build from scratch that most Canadian of institutions: the apology.
And since you feel that you’ve been misinterpreted, I offer myself to the world as your interpreter, the person to best help Canadians transition from the caca filled OLD way of doing apologies and the snazzy new one you’ve invented.
We call it: The Apolaurie
See, apologies used to be so lame, what with those tiring four steps:
1) the expressing of remorse
2) the admitting of responsibility
3) the amend making
4) those awful inconvenient promises and steps to ensure that it would never happen again
But here’s the genius of your system. You bypass it all. Every single bit of it.
And right out of the gate too.
The Apolaurie: Step One – Remorse
Take that opening line: “With respect to all, I think it’s time that we moved on, and I’ll try.”
Or you could say, “You’re all dicks and I don’t want to talk about this anymore!” Oh wait, you did.
Variations on this theme also include: “You made me!” and “I know you are, but what am I?”
The Apolaurie: Step Two – Responsibility
Responsibility is for losers, am I right?
Speaking of responsibility, it’s awesome how you invoke the division of responsibilities to say STFU and “so long suckers.”
Puffing yourself up is absolutely critical in a good apolaurie.
And you’re right, we don’t have direct experience with addressing the threats that face Canada.
I mean, it’s not like we’re standing up against a bill that goes against the Charter of Rights and – oh, um, never mind.
The Apolaurie: Step Three – Make Amends
And speaking of adult diapers, I just LOVE that while your fingers are busy typing out the words “I apologize” on your Facebook page, your lips are telling a National Post reporter that there’s a defecating rabble who would “s–t on me, frankly.”
Way to render your apology even more insincere. Awesome job!
But gosh, Laurie, be careful not to give this pooping populous too much power over you. Like everyone else, we use “The John” not “The Hawn.”
Still, super good use of the victim card. Bonus: It comes with a gift basket!
The Apolaurie: Step Four – Promise That it Won’t Happen Again
I think we’re all tired of an apology that promises you’ll never do it again and offers the steps you’ll take to hold yourself accountable.
Luckily, instead of going that route, you take the apolaurie in new directions and blame the words that come out of your mouth. Damn those words. Where did they come from anyway? Oh, that’s right – your brain.
Anyway, this has all made me very hungry. I think I’m gonna walk to the fridge and get a piece of cake.
Yes, I’m breaking my diet. But it’s not my fault. I blame my feet. And your words.
Photo credit: Dave Cournoyer
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